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You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
Friday, May 01, 2015 | 10:12 PM | 0 comments It's very easy to give up, or like Singaporeans say, to be nua. To wake up late, to sleep in, to see the bad in other people, to assume bad intentions when they bump into you, make disapproving noises, look at you the wrong way but I really , really don't wanna be that way. & i think truly, it's the people you decide surround yourself with, makes hella difference. Don't make do, get up and get going! I'm not sure if Elicia and Jiaen would see this but JIAYOU for exams! They really study damn hard and to all UOL students.. you have my mad respect. Sure, you all don't have graded assignments and stuff, but nearing to exams I can literally feel stress oozing out of your guys. And here I am, 10 days away from my exams, chilling the fuck out. I need to get a lil of that sense of urgency from you guys, man! i'm very grateful for a group of friends, in personal and at work, the line blurring sometimes, to take me through the hard times. You would think family is the one at the end of the line, most of the time. Sometimes I believe that, sometimes I don't. You know they say home is where the heart is , where you feel the safest, the most relaxed... the most YOU. I think people who can safely and surely say that are incredibly fortunate. Not trying to be a dramatic 13-year old here, but hey these are the facts. Some people don't feel like that at home, some don't even feel safe in their own home country (Baltimore reference). Sometimes I wonder if a nice home-cooked meal and a proper conversation without condescending tones in possible and how other families achieve it. I admit that I am closed off to conversation when clearly my dad and my brother has been trying to initiate some. I am not one to outwardly express my unhappiness, i hold it in and swear everything is fine, even denying to myself until it also leads to one great buildup of a huge-ass great cry where I cry about everything and anything. But as I grow up now, i find myself unable cry, I don't know where all this pent up anger and frustration has gone and it's pretty worrying, it HAS to go somewhere. Anyway, I guess my point is I'm just really grateful for my friends (because guys, what do you guys see in me that is worth hanging out with, texting to, making lame jokes with?) and people who has seen the worst in me and chose to stay and also people who persist in invoking feelings and making small talks with to bring this wall I've unknowingly build around myself throughout the years down. Is this wall me being "Fake"? I sure as hell hope not. Alright, maybe it's all this studying that's making me so "deep" hahahah, signing off! Lots of Love, Joanne |
