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Do you know how it feels like to lose a really close loved one?
Thursday, July 08, 2010 | 6:32 AM | 0 comments I was coming home to have dinner, Feeling happy & all.Mum promised glutinous rice balls from this famous place at bedok. I was really happy. When I got home, brother was there. I was really happy to see him too. For a the first rare time, I initated a proper happy-happy-no-rush convo with him. But yeah, it was fun lah. Then i was telling him how nice it was because it has been a long time since the four of us at 7,8 o clock had time to all sit down and have dinner together so I was planning to throw whatever work I have aside. Just for today, to watch any boring old show together with them, as a family. As I was walking back, I was thinking about all the nice food mum was going to bring back. & I had this sudden feeling of happiness. And I thought : I love my mum. She's not unreasonable. She's not always nagging and shouting. She understands stuff. like how difficult it is, yes even tho we're not adults and working, we're still equally busy. So yeah. & then I thought .. she's been coughing really badly. & and as much as she doesn't wanna believe it, I'm quite sure it has something to do with her smoking. It's been so long, and yet she refuses to go to the doctors. It's not like its a lot of money, mum. It's so much more worth than what you're actually paying for every night. But no, the woman wouldn't listen. If its just a cough, she'll prob be better eventually. But I'm really, really afraid that it's something bigger. what's more she's been smoking for years. My mum's really proud of her working years because she learnt a lot of experience that she now passed down to us. But yeah, I pretty much hated that period for her. She learnt how to smoke there and then. I hate those people who taught her how to. I hate her will for being so weak. I wished she didn't start. I don't want her to go thru what dad did to realize. My dad's a brave man. After that life-changing experienced, he stopped. He never.ever.touched. another one. He can do it, why can't you? That's what you always teach me mum. What's more it's your husband we're talking about. I'm really scared. If it really was this "big thing" it will lead to death. I don't want to. I don't... It's just horrible. And wrong. I want you to be there, to make sure I'm alright. To see me get my first proper full time pay. To hand me over to someone who promises to love me the way you do. Please, do this for me alright? I don't wanna know how it is like to lose a loved one. Especially a really close person. Do you know how it feels like? :( Anyway, I came home. and yeah, they came home. It sounded like they were in a good mood but I was wrong. My father being the perfectionist, clean-freak bitch nag ; nagged. I wonder if he and mum switched roles sometimes. Yeah. so.. I kinda lost it. He was talking about this stack of Tupperware that was on the kitchen table saying : "I don't even know why this is here" & I just lost it. I just said in my most angry voice. "Look, don't know whose one right? Then throw, just throw! If you want to keep it out of his sight and you keep it in the cupboard, then someday, he sees outside nth, he looks in the cupboard there it is again. wham. He takes it out, say wanna clear, leaves it there , then 10 days later say "I don't know why is this even here" all over again, might as well just throw lah?!" Then my mum was like "Throw, throw, throw, then all this no need money arh?" Then i ask her : "Then? DO YOU THINK IT IS WORTH IT TO GET NAGGED AND SCREWED JUST BECAUSE OF THAT MONEY. & MAKE SURE WE DON'T BUY ANY MORE OF RIDICULOUS STUFF." & yeah so they were shouting screaming, mad at each other. arguing about something called parents duty. Full - blown sarcasm. like a soundtrack for me while I enjoy my satay and cheng tng which doesn't taste as tasty suddenly. mum, please to take care :/ |
